So. Here we are back once again. I moved into a new place yesterday. A place I can call home for the next two years at least. 5 rooms and I’m the first to move in. It’s quiet.
1. The Move
- The actual act of moving in wasn’t too difficult. It was only 15 mins down the road, so I’m in familiar territory but it all feels so new. I had help from my amazing mother who helped me move my belongings to the place which made it a smooth experience. Thinking back on it we passed through a street near our old church where we used to park when I was little and it brought back old feelings from 15-20 years ago, we reminisced about how time files and it was good. Truth be told it’s been a rocky 5-10 years between my mother and I, so this all feels like progress is being made towards a greater future for both of us.
- Actually getting into the house was awesome, I was excited for 2 days which is a nice change of pace from the constant overwhelm and anxiety, I’ve got a cosy room where I can already imagine a future PC setup, once I get my finances in order of course. It feels good but I’m afraid i’ll somehow mess it up. Also I don’t have a fridge which is proving more trouble that I initially thought, it severely limits the amount of food I can prepare, without refrigeration I can’t have leftovers or fresh produce unless I cook it on the day, but thankfully one has been ordered and will arrive soon.
- Waking up after the first night was something else, too much freedom feels overwhelming, the ability to do anything motivates me but scares me in a way that I struggle to understand, though now that I think about it, it’s the responsibility that comes with the freedom I think I’m afraid of. It’s all on me to build a life I can be proud of and given my past traumas and experiences I struggle to trust in my capability. Though with each habit I stick to I know that with time and consistency I’ll build trust with myself.
2. Symbolism
- Having my own space is quite weird I’ve shared my space with my family for all my 25 years of my life, and being so isolated and separate from anyone is quite jarring, but to me my new space symbolises independence, responsibility and freedom. Which is something I’ve been needing to discover for myself. I relied on everyone around me to get me through this life for so long and I knew that I wanted to be a man capable of standing on his own two feet without anyone else to save me, I used to want to be isolated and alone, to not need anything from anyone and a part me still does, but I’ve also come to the realised that this world was not built by individuals but by communities. We need each other to survive and now that I’m finally alone it seems I’ve got what I wanted. Independence, responsibility and freedom. It’s on me to live my life to the fullest otherwise… I’ll waste away never achieving the potential I know I can live up to.
- This home is low-key a reflection of this new chapter I’m embarking on. I recently came out of the psych ward a few months ago and that left me in an undesirable state of mind, I felt broken, fractured and hopeless, though since then I’ve gotten a hold of myself, my mind and pushed myself despite a lack of motivation, despite a lack of discipline and despite a lack of past success to fall back on. I felt like I was starting from scratch, level 0, and realised that it’s action that determines my character, it’s the things I do each day that count towards the success or failure of my future, and with this in mind I started small, I started again, this time with a new approach small steps, slow, steady, forward. Like this house I refurbished my mindset, and my approach to life, and although there’s still some stuff missing, I know if I keep moving forward I will eventually reach my destination.
3. The Practical Side
- Since I’ve been living away from my family, this happened in May/June, I have been living alone and what’s kept me going are these 5 habits that ground me every morning, drink water, eat breakfast, exercise, wash face and brush teeth. Like I said I’m starting from level 0 or lower, after 10 years of weed abuse I feel numb, indifferent. I wanted to keep it simple and easy for me to do and hard for me not to do. It provides a great deal of momentum and has a positive impact on my day. I feel accomplished once I’ve taken care of these things because I know 2 months ago I wasn’t doing anything. I was steady rotting in my bed like a living corpse, wallowing in fear and sorrow. It’s still there but at least I’m moving away from that mentality and building the life I choose to live. Since then I’ve added on a few habits that I used to engage with, prayer, bible reading, reading in general and especially drawing. I even keep a habit tracker in my journal so I can visibly see the progress I’m making each month and it feels like I’m building a character worth being.
- As for the the food situation I’ve also kept it simple, I love to cook, but my dopamine and endocannabinoid receptors are fried doing what I love doesn’t fulfil me the same way it does a person with normal dopamine levels. So that too, I keep simple. Flour, oats, eggs, beans, canned goods, tomatoes, pasta, rice. Non-perishable dry foods that will last a long time.
4. Emotional Shift
- Compared to my old family home things feel simultaneously lighter and heavier, lighter because I know there is no one to perform for. I can be myself without fear of judgement or fear of doing wrong, and heavier because its all on me to live a life I can be proud of. Responsibility is the price for freedom. Sometimes I fear for my future because of a miserable past, so I constantly remind myself that the past does not dictate my future, it is the actions I do in the present moment which define my future.
5. Looking Forward
- I aim to be a man that can survive by himself, resourceful, caring and attentive.
- I’ll do this by sticking to my 5 core habits.
- In this home I’ll grow and build a life I choose.
